Written by: Galax Hew
Engaging and dealing with people hasn’t been easy, especially for introverts like me. In fact, we could hardly get rid of people. We’ve project tasks to manage, group assignments to do, thesis appointments to make, and more to mention. Sometimes, we might subject ourselves to worries and stresses when we are not able to achieve expectations, or when we have to deal with those we deem as “lousy teammates”. Many times, we might have forgotten to put an awareness of our feelings and emotions. The worries, the stresses, why are they here? Were they because of the troublesome assignments? Were they because of the nuisance people that we have to deal with? Or were they because we are putting too much expectations in us?
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In reality, we cannot control the condition that happens beyond us or how other people think of us. But we can control what is within us. Be mindful of what we can control. Stay aware and pay attention to the thoughts without putting any judgment on them. This would lead us to wise decisions. Watching these thoughts is just like watching a play on stage, not following the play but just merely watching it. These thoughts would often proliferate, but we can choose not to follow. For beginners, this might be a hard exercise as we’re unconsciously adapted to following the thoughts. Hence, training is necessary to enhance these mindfulness skills, just like any other living skills. That is why meditation retreat is important. Schedule at least 3-days a year, give yourself a break, and go for a guided meditation retreat.
Next, engage with the right people. Who are these right people? They are the wholesome and wise people. They can be venerable monks, Dhamma speakers, and spiritual friends. In the Discourse of Blessings by Lord Buddha, it is said that associating with the wise is the greatest blessing. They are the ones who would advise you, uplift you, and fuel you with truthful aspirations instead of regressing negativity. Where can you find these beautiful individuals? Well, they may be around you, including the person who shared this booklet with you. You may also know them more when you participate in PBUM activities or even volunteering services. Engage with them, learn more about them. Then, find time to involve yourself in Dhamma learning and discussions. Schedule that into your planner. Those lessons and essence that you learned from the activities would make you grow wiser and more positive. Who knows, you may find your Eureka moment through that.
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Having yourself trained with the right mind and associated with the right people, you can effectively learn how to deal with people with different personalities while keeping the mind at peace by establishing these wholesome mental qualities. Also known as the four divine-abidings or the Brahmavihārā, they are loving-kindness, compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity. Let us explore how these four mental qualities would put us in peace at any time.
- Loving-kindness (Mettā)
Every one of us wishes to stay happy, but that’s not the case in reality when we dwell on countless pleasures and desires. Because of this unfulfilled pleasure and desire, which in fact doesn’t last long, we are easily subjected to aversion. There’s a saying in Dhammapada verse 5, “Na hi verena verāni sammantīdha kudācanaṁ, Averena ca sammanti, esa dhammo sanantano.” Hatred can never be subdued through hatred, but through love alone they cease. This is an eternal law. So, don’t undermine the power of loving-kindness. By radiating loving-kindness, not only do you feel much better, you’re also putting the people around you in an ease manner.
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- Compassion (Karuṇā)
No one prefers to live in a suffering manner, regardless of mental or physical. So, it would be great to make the effort to alleviate those sufferings starting from ourselves. How we could develop that sense of compassion? Well, there are many things we can do like donating to a good cause, giving someone a warm hug, being helpful, etc, provided that your intention is simply to alleviate discomfort and despair. Saying sorry in fact could be an act of compassion too. Many had this wrong idea of apologizing. For something that I’ve done right but has caused inconvenience to others, I apologized, not because I’m at fault, but for the inconvenience caused.
- Empathetic joy (Muditā)
Have you ever envied the success that others achieved? I believe there might be. Instead of being envious or jealous of other’s great achievements, why not rejoice in their success? Behind their success, there may be a lot of effort being put in and sacrifices being made. It doesn’t just happen with a snap of a finger. Hence, share their joy, congratulate them, and wish them the best, while at the same time making their success as your motivation to progress forward.
- Equanimity (Upekkhā)
At times, not everything went according to plan. There may be unexpected conflicts and disappointments throughout the undertakings. At this point, it is out of our control, and that’s when we need to be equanimous, and stay calm and composed. Face them, acknowledge them, make the next decision wisely, and focus on working out the decision that you have made. This quality is the hardest to establish, especially with those expectations and emotions going around. But once you can face each situation with a calm and composed mind, you’re making your life much easier to go through.
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Of course, any wholesome efforts need to be done consistently and persistently. So, one can consider taking up the habit of making reflections and aspirations. Reflecting is not about reminiscing on what we have done wrong. Instead, it’s about acknowledging the wholesome actions that we have done that bring merits and benefits to ourselves and others while keeping in mind on the unwholesome actions that we have done out of heedlessness. Then, make aspirations to continue and strengthen our wholesome deeds, while staying mindful to not repeat the unwholesome actions in the future again.
All in all, every one of us just wants to make lives easier, and this needs a start. So, let’s start with the person that we could put control on, and that is us. Go for a guided meditation. Get engaged with wholesome people. Establish the four wholesome mental qualities. And not to forget, make reflections and aspirations daily to keep yourself on track.
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